Archive for the 'Jokes and Such' Category
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.
They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. “I want to be gorgeous,” and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says “I want to be gorgeous too.” Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:
“Make ‘em all ugly again.
NEXT TIME YOU’RE LAST IN LINE. BE HAPPY.
Hope you had a great weekend. Here is a little something to help get your Monday started off right. Enjoy…
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage,
“Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?”
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
“So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix ‘em, put ‘em back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic …
“Try doing it with the engine running!”
Male Rape Drug … Be Carefull!
The following is an important announcement:
Police warn all clubbers, partygoers, and unsuspecting bar regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called “beer” is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large “kegs.”
“Beer” is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of “beer” and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several “beers” men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking “beer,” men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings in a familiar scam known as “a relationship.” It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as “marriage.”
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after “beer” is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious “beer” and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up “Golf Courses” in the yellow pages.
A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter says to the guy, “I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what, if you can tell me one really good deed that you did, you’re in.”
So the guy says, “Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang’s leader–a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, ‘You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!’”
Impressed, St. Peter says, “Really? I can’t seem to find this in your file. When did this happen?”
“Oh, about two minutes ago.”
Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”
So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Bob asks, “Son, what happened last night?”
His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”
Confused, Badass Bob asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married’!”
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he was gone, and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
“I don’t remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back.”
Biker Helmet Stickers
