Archive for the 'Jokes and Such' Category
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, “Hi… You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d
really rather have a job.”
The social worker behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.
You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your
clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You’ll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You’ll be provided a two-bedroom
apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year.”
The guy, wide-eyed, says, “You’re bullshittin’ me!”
The social worker says, “Yeah, well… you started it.”
——–
Hope you guys had a great weekend. Only 1 week till Biketoberfest and I can hardly wait.
Take Care - Ride FREE
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. Police quickly surrounded the car and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said,
“CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at
once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my
GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK!
Careful … CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST
your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt
them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think
I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” The husband calmly replied,
“I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving”.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA….
HAVE A GREAT DAY!
Hope everyone had a great weekend. Here is you Monday Joke….
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn’t feeling too good that morning.
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,” Happy
Birthday!” and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn’t
even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well,
that’s wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to
breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I was
feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, “Good morning, Boss,
“Happy Birthday”. And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I
worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s
such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go to lunch,
just you and me.”
I said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. ‘Let’s
go!” We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go; instead we went
out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such
a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?” I said,
“No, I guess not.” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.” After arriving at
her apartment, she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the
bedroom and slip into something more comfortable”. “Sure!” I excitedly
replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying
a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our
friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there… on the couch… naked
:)
Now get to work!
Take Care - Ride FREE
A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting.
He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.
While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied “I’m on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request.
She said “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th.”
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, “let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell”?
She replied, “if I told you, you would only laugh.” “No I wouldn’t”, he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.
“Well if you must know”, she answered, “I sell Tampax.”
With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said “see I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at” he replied, “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m still a hole behind you!”
Hope you had a great labor day. We enjoyed the long weekend, the weather around here was great after a pounding by Ernesto on Friday. Got to get on the highway for a few miles and had a great time. Now it is back to work!
Since we slacked off yesterday, here is Monday’s Joke a day late.
Blonde Cookbook
MONDAY: It’s fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel foodcake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can’t say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this Recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy) For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY: Tom’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
Have a GREAT week!
Take Care - Ride FREE
This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.
After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word.
Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word.
Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word.
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.
The father says, “Okay dammit, I’ll do the dishes!”
Have a great week!
Take Care - Ride FREE
A successful gynecologist decides to fulfill his life’s dream: give up medical practice and become a motorcycle mechanic.
So he gets out of the medical business and enrolls at a mechanic’s seminar with Harley Davidson.
After many weeks of training comes the final examination, taking apart and then re-assembling a randomly chosen Harley engine.
He grabs his tools and sets to work, but soon he gets worried: while he is still working on the valve-covers, everybody else is already busy with removing the cylinder heads.
He falls more and more behind, and as he is just starting to put it all back together, everybody else is already finished.
He manages to put the engine back together, barely in time before the exam ends.
Because it took him so much longer than everybody else, he goes straight to the teacher to ask how he performed.
“Well,” the teacher says, “out of one hundred possible points you scored 150.” “But how is that possible?” the ex-gynecologist asks.
“Well, it breaks down to this: You get fifty points for correctly taking the engine apart. And you get another fifty points for putting it back together perfectly.” “And what did I get those additional fifty points for?”
“For doing it all through the exhaust.”
Hope you had a great weekend. Here is a little something to help get your Monday started. Now get to work!
Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over. His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, “I can’t drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that.”
“Just put the jacket on backwards.” His friend advised.
They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out. A nearby farmer came upon the accident and ran to call the police.
They asked him, “Are they showing any signs of life?” “Well,” the farmer explained, “the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!”
Take Care - Ride FREE
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.”
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years!” he says.
She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”
Then she asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”
He replies, “Ten years!”
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some REAL fun?”
And the man replies, “My God! Don’t tell me you’ve got a motorcycle in there!”
Biker Helmet Stickers
